Okay, I’m not one of those weirdos who thinks that everything from when I was a kid was brilliant and everything today is shit, but holy shit I just watched an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh and I think I forgot how to poo.

A Brief Comparision, 1991 Saturday Morning Cartoons versus 2007 4kids.tv Saturday Morning

1991: Superheroes we’ve all heard of blow shit up and fight each other in outer space.

2007: A bunch of people with crazy haircuts spend upwards of 15 minutes discussing how to operate new accessories for a card game. They then spend the remaining 7 minutes of the episode sitting at a table playing said card game.

1991: Fox Kids has to have the occasional educational message. So, for instance, Spiderman will swing onto the screen and tell kids to "Eat Apples!" or "Eat cereal that contains apples but does not taste like apples!" It was always Spiderman because his mouth is covered so you don’t have to reanimate anything.

2007: A Ninja Turtle (who is extreme and from the 27th century) tells kids how to make winky faces on their mobile phones. I’m not kidding. This was a real educational commercial. "You can just type a semicolon, a hyphen, and a parenthesis!" Then "Tune in later for more Text Messaging Made E-Z!"

Sigh, the future is a bleak wasteland where children spend all day text messaging each other on their mobile phones about card games, all the while refusing to eat apples.

The NBA season has started, and you know what that means … lots of blog posts about something that none of my few remaining readers care about!

The Lakers have pleased me quite a bit by winning their first two games without Kobe Bryant, which is basically the equivalent of finding a 100 dollar bill on the street two days in a row.

But let’s ignore that because it doesn’t say a lot about the rest of the season. What was much more intresting to me was watching the Golden State Warriors and their brand new Don Nelson Phoenix Sun style super-charged offense.

Simply put, the Warriors were awful. Worse than last year even. I’m not going to judge them and Nelson after one game, but the half-dozen teams out there who have all declared themselves "skill-ball clubs" this year should’ve watched this game.

The Warriors took 3-pointer after 3-pointer, again and again, clanking them off the rim, and generally spent the whole game unsure of whether they were supposed to run down the court or stand in place and play four-square. The Suns make it look really easy, but not only do they have Steve Nash, but even their mediocre role players like James Jones are better three point shooters than anyone on the Warriors lineup. It’s fun to say "We’re gonna run and gun and shoot the lights out!" but at some point, you have to actually, you know, make a fucking three pointer.

Not to mention the evening ended with Nelson calling Dunleavy a "disaster" and also tearing into Baron Davis. The fact that he picked on these two so virulently after the opening game sounds pretty damned bad to me. They’ve both presented a lot of evidence over the last few years suggesting that they’re morons and locker room schmucks. If they’re gonna piss Don Nelson off this bad after one game, I don’t know who’d be willing to deal with them. I’m not going to make the mistake of claiming I know how the rest of the season is going to turn out after one game, but I’m comfortable suggesting that this first game went as bad as humanly possible, short of half the players getting injured in the opening minutes.

As someone who hopes to go off into the wild blue yonder and be a writer, I pay some attention to the Writers Guild.

For those not in the know, Hollywood has a writers guild, an actors guild, a directors guild, and then the 3 or so huge media conglomerates who own everything. And all these folks need to sign agreements and decide how money gets worked out.

I think a lot of people’s default reactions now a days is to sort of instinctively hate unions, and so I’m sure the concept of a bunch of wealthy writers in a union sounds pretty stupid. But it makes a lot of sense when you realize how insanely far the studios are willing to go to cheat movie makers out of, what is to the studio, tiny amounts of money.

Anyway, the next time there’s a writers guild strike, you can be sure it’ll be over exactly this. This is as crystal clear an example of what’s gonna happen as you can find. Basically it’s all about the internet and other forms of digital transmission.

Essentially the studios are supposed to pay writers residuals for their work (when it appears on TV and in DVDs and whatnot), but the current contracts don’t cover the internet at all, so studios have taken the stance that writers shouldn’t get money for things like having their movie sold on iTunes.

The example I’ve linked to is especially interesting because you’ve got a TV show (Battlestar Galactica) which released miniature episodes of the show on the internet, and the studio has not only refused to pay residuals, but in fact claims that the mini-episodes do not count as writing because they were only made for "promotional purposes." 

Hopefully these sort of things get worked out fairly, but I think the studios are probably going to be willing to put all the writers out of work for a year just to money grub for as long as they can (perhaps hoping to fill time with reality TV or god knows what else, which would be awful since reality TV is pretty terrible right now).

Maybe if I’m lucky they’ll have all this stuff worked out by the time I don’t suck anymore and can sell stuff (though it’s worth noting that my first ever sale of anything was, in fact, web content that falls exactly under this sort of trouble). 

Short Reviews:

Simpsons. The new season is thoroughly meh, but it’s about the same level as last year and still much better than the couple of truly awful years we had a few years back. Biggest problem right now seems to be the failure to stick to one decent plotline for an entire episode.

Family Guy. Ugggg. You know, when people told me they hated the show or that it wouldn’t hold up, I agreed in principle, but I had no idea it would fall apart so quickly. Almost every ounce of charm seems to have been sucked dry. The fundamental flaws in the show that were apparent but easy to forgive in seasons 1 through 3 have gotten worse and worse. The biggest is that Peter is not an actual character. He’s just an idiot. He’s all the worst parts of Homer Simpson (the pointless idiocy and selfishness that characterizes late seasons of the simpsons) without any of the redeeming values or personality structure. In fact, almost no character on the show has any depth, and most will do or say whatever is appropriate for the particular scene.

American Dad. You know, I actually have been really enjoying this show. It’s way above Family Guy at this point. Sure, there’s still a lack of heart, a few awful characters, and some repetitive joke structures, but it’s doing a lot of things Family Guy never tried. It doesn’t cut away constantly, and more importantly, its plots are actually pretty impressive. Episodes have solid themes and ideas and in the recent season, even fun plot twists. Probably the show I most look forward to on Sunday night.

Studio 60. I like it, but not as much as the West Wing, and the comedy sketches are awful. Every fake sketch is pretty clearly a smart person’s out of touch conception of middle-brow/low-brow humor. Also one of the main characters doesn’t work well and blah blah blah. Still, it’s fun to watch, though I’m absolutely convinced it will be cancelled because the cast must be obscenely expensive and no one except people who watched Aaron Sorkin’s other shows will ever watch it. In fact, thanks to google I now know the ratings are already bad.

Venture Brothers. After a really strong start to the season, this has tapered off into sort of disconnected zaniness. It’s still got enough laughs to justify watching, but many of them are dependent on little moments and the big payoffs are getting smaller and smaller. Still, based on the first season, it’s still possible this season could finish strong.

That’s all for now because I haven’t watched Heroes yet and the new season of Lost hasn’t started yet. 

If you’re like me, the only bus you ever use is the 51. And if you’re also like me, then you’ve noticed that during the past week every 51 bus has been mysteriously packed to the brim, to the point that those of us getting on near campus can’t even fit on the buses anymore, making our expensive class passes useless.

Well, like any good reporter, I’ve got a scoop, and I’ve got two sources to back it up: the woman on the bus who told me and me when I repeated it to my girlfriend. Anyway, word on the street, or rather, on the incredibly cramped dangerously overloaded bus, is that AC Transit has slashed the number of 51 buses by 25%.

Why they chose the most popular and useful line in Berkeley I don’t know. I guess because it was the biggest thing to cut. Some people think it’s just a test and they’re gonna add more buses back to rebalance the load, but my theory is they’re gonna keep it like this for a while until people get so sick of the cramped buses that they stop using them and the load magically fixes itself through fewer people using it.

I have no idea why they’d do that, but it seemed to be the most sinister and least charitable interpretation, so that’s what I went with.

Another alternative sinister theory would be that this is an AC Transit ploy to get people complaining and to drum up support for more taxes on local businesses to pay for more buses. I’d promise you more on this as it develops, but I just remembered I’m not an actual reporter and will probably just go back to posting things about Cal football. 

My Favorite Moments

    •    Tennessee puts in their second string during the third quarter, which immediately gets several first downs and touchdowns.
    •    Cal finally scores a touchdown. Several members of the Tennessee squad pat Cal players on the back and congratulate them, perhaps even saying while clapping their hands "Oh, good work! Nice job! See, just keep practicing."
    •    I briefly cheer that Ayoob is entering the game, then realize what I just did.
    •    Tennessee replaces their third string lineup with several make-a-wish children. It still takes 7 Cal players to tackle little Timmy Weinshraub, their honorary running back.

Short Dialogues:

Time to Show All Those Doubters
Cal Fan: Sure, maybe we’re a little overrated but I’m confident that…
[No punchline necessary]

Nate Longshore
Team: "Hike! Hike! Hike!"
[Longshore stands around, confused, possibly thinking this is a practice game. When no big play opens up, he throws a 3 yard pass that would be worthless even if anyone tried to catch it]
Cal Fan: "FUCKING AYOOB!"
Ayoob: "Wait, what?"
Cal Fan: "Sorry, force of habit."

Ayoob’s Shining Moment
Ayoob: "Okay, this is perfect. I come in for the other guy, we’re down 35 to 0. I can’t possibly fuck this up … oh no, people are running at me! I better throw the ball sideways across the field 20 yards short of the closest Cal receiver and into that giant bulls-eye the Tennessee player is holding up!"
Cal Fan: "FUCKING AYOOB!"

Here’s a pretty cute bug from the European version of Madden (YouTube).

It’s not super interesting, but it is kind of funny. Imagine the Philadelphia Eagles have just taken the field. All eyes are on star quarterback Donovan McNabb. After a few failed runs and some lossed yardage, it’s time for their superstar quarterback to get them the first down they need.

He gets the ball, scans his receivers for the perfect game-changing throw, then with the quickness and versatility only Donovan McNabb possesses … he heaves the ball 70 yards in the wrong direction back into his own endzone. Apparrently this is a fairly common occurence in Madden 2007.

One of the fun things about modern sports games is that they’ve gotten so realistic in some ways, that the glaring videogame mistakes become all the funnier (and frustrating). Everything will look 90% perfect and you’ll be really into the game, then all of a sudden Kobe Bryant’s head will fly through the backboard or the hockey puck will get stuck hovering 50 feet above the ice. I think the best way to get through this is to create a believable backstory for the event.

For instance, clearly Donovan McNabb is angry about his current contract, but rather than holding out and not playing, he’s going to throw the ball in the wrong direction over and over again until he and his agent get what they want. There, isn’t that much more satisfying than having the bug fixed?

One of my favorite Slate.com features is Ad Report. It’s basically just a guy reviewing TV ads. Anyway, the latest one is really, really weird (there’s a link to the video on the page).

The article covers it pretty well, so I’ll just summarize the ad for you so you can see if you want to watch it: It’s a typical Ford car commercial. A family on a lovely road trip. Two little girls having fun with their dad and mom, buying trinkets and driving the free and easy roads while an announcer intones about how the car’s great gas mileage lets them make the trip on one tank. Then at the end, the music cuts as the dad takes his overnight bag out of the car. He kisses the girls goodbye and thanks his ex-wife for letting him come along and tells them he’ll see them next weekend. The commercial then awkwardly ends with the husband’s quiet, sad stare at the car as it drives off and a voice intones about how "Bold changes happen everyday."

Very, very strange.

As you might expect from a group of people that have to hang out in a tiny office together for long periods of time, The Squelch staff tends to go through a lot of music. One could even say that the Squelch has its own music history. Former editors like to recall how wherever they went and whatever they were doing, somehow the topic of Belle & Sebastian would come up. Bad 80’s pop has also long been a favorite (when I took over the office there were more copies of Duran Duran in there than there were backup discs).

This is all a very roundabout way of saying I’ve become obsessed with something. Get Away from Me, the 2004 debut album from Nellie McKay.

Let’s recap the reasons to dislike Nellie McKay since you probably don’t know them. She’s 24 yet constantly lies about her age, she was born in England, stayed there for only one year, grew up in New York, and moved to Washington, yet she switches between English and German accents in many of her songs. She’s written songs in support of PETA protests and a love song to Ralph Nader. She’s friends with KD Lang. Her music videos are pretentious camera shots of her drinking tea in fast motion, and she titled her debut album around an uninteresting joke making fun of a Macy Gray album. Also, she switches between rap and jazz with piano played underneath both. She once demanded an album be released on two CDs because she wanted people to have to change discs ala a record player.

Despite all this, she’s insanely fantastic. Her album is wonderful. It’s got 18 fucking songs on it. Many of them are great, all of them are listenable, and some are actually genuinely funny. I could definitely imagine someone finding it all very pretentious and over-produced. In fact, most reviews I’ve read seem to fall into the category of "Blah blah she’s cute but blah blah where’s the depth and blah blah this is nice but…" Really though, the album is just good fun. It’s got songs for every mood, and several of the goofy rap songs create an excellent environment for fast-paced comedy writing.

Apparently she does have a follow-up album but it’s been delayed for two years because she refused to release it with anything short of 23(!!) tracks and the record label refused to budge from 16. A girl to watch, most certainly. 

"Forwards, not backward! Backward, not forwards! And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!"

Well the Scifi channel cancelled Stargate.

Stargate is not a good TV show, but it was once a good TV show. Logically this could mean that cancellation is the right move, but since this is the scifi channel we’re talking about and the ratings are still okay, the question becomes, what exactly is the scifi channel’s plan for itself?

They produce 500 god awful movies a week and will run almost any piece of crap, but for MST3K, Farscape, and Stargate, each produced steady but not spectacular ratings and each was been cancelled with the basic explanation of "Well ratings are okay but not improving."

Not improving? You’re the scifi channel! Having something that briefly peaks then has steady ratings for 10 years is the best you can do!

It’s already a niche channel, but it’s definitely never going to grow into whatever they think it will if everytime they have a dependable success, they cancel it for not growing more and more successful. It’s just demented network executive logic (in fact, Bonnie Hammer the network execuive seems to have made a career of this). "We’ve gotta grow baby! Grow! Grow Grow!"

They have maybe one successful new series every two years (several of which have been shows bought from other networks and not home-grown), then they inevitably sabotage their own shows in the hopes of breaking into the big time. They’re like that pathetic schemer who has plenty of little successes, but is always going after that next big score. What’s their next big venture? Showing ECW wrestling matches.

Look, if they want to be Spike TV so bad, why don’t you just change their name and get it done with?