The Worst Movie Ever
Categories: Movies, WritingAaron and I got distracted in the office today and briefly started work on the worst screenplay ever. I now present its brilliance (we didn’t save the original, I rebuilt this from memory):
EXT. CORNFIELD - NIGHT
Innumerable rows of corn stalks run off into the
distance, eventually colliding with the distant
twinkles of a starry night.
The Lesbian Mothership hovers majestically over
the field. From within, Lesbians are HEARD.
BEGIN TITLES
Several minutes pass, then a FAINT WHIRRING.
Suddenly, without warning, except for the faint
whirring, a rival lesbian mothership streaks
across the sky, firing its mega photons in short,
steady 3-shot bursts.
INT. SECOND LESBIAN MOTHERSHIP - NEW YEAR’S EVE
COMMANDER KRIEG
(taking a drink)
Why is it we can promise never to hurt
others, but we can never promise to
never hurt ourselves?
GIANT TENTACLE MONSTER
(using its fifth and sixth mouths)
God not this again.
JAYDEN HAMILTON (26 earth years) enters the room.
He’s just as ruggedly handsome as you’d expect a
super spy like Jayden Hamilton to be. Which is to
say he’s very ruggedly handsome.
He dives behind a table. He was born in Santa Fe
to a childless couple, and as a boy he dreamed of
being an astronaut, a congressman, or a secret
agent. Little did he know he’d one day be all
three and diabetic.
Commander Krieg DISINTEGRATES Jayden with her MOON
PISTOL.
INT. SMASH HAMILTON’S BEDROOM - THREE YEARS EARLIER
TITLE CARD: ONE YEAR EARLIER
SMASH HAMILTON (29) wakes up in a cold sweat. It
was all a dream … or was it?
END TITLES
